What if ...

... the names of NFL teams actually meant something:

Jacksonville Jaguars - opponents get mauled and then eaten.
Cincinnati Bengals - opponents get mauled and then eaten. Unless these are Bengals of the T-I-double guh-errr type, which wouldn't surprise me. In that case opponents get annoyed by bouncing strategy.
North Chicago Bears - opponents get mauled and then eaten.
Detroit Lions - opponents get mauled and then eaten.
Carolina Panthers - opponents get mauled and then eaten. Possibly played with before being eaten. It's a cat, after all.

Denver Broncos - pretty horsey comes and tramples opponents.
Indianapolis Colts - pretty horsey comes and tramples opponents.
St. Louis Rams - ugly horsey comes and tramples opponents.

Baltimore Ravens - tough birds come and peck at opponents.
Philadelphia Eagles - tough birds come and peck at opponents.
Atlanta Falcons - tough birds come and peck at opponents.
Seattle Seahawks - tough birds come and peck at opponents.
Arizona Cardinals - tough birds come ... and sing at opponents?

New York Giants - big people come and go: SMASH!
Tennessee Titans - big people come and go: SMASH!

Dallas Cowboys - syphilis is given to opponents.
Kansas City Chiefs - ... and given back.
Buffalo Bills - ... and given back.
Washington Redskins - ... and given back.

San Diego Chargers - opponents get charged, possibly at? Or maybe they're in the horsy category? What do these people MEAN!?!
New York Jets - endless fly-overs annoy opponents. And that's it. They wouldn't bomb ... they might hit a bengal, or another endangered species.
Minnesota Vikings - opponents' villages gets looted, pillaged and plundered. Possibly burnt. They might not show up for the ball game but the opponent gets a nasty shock when returning from a road win.
Oakland Raiders - opponents are confused. Expected Twix.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers - opponents are confronted by Jack Sparrow wannabe's. Plays called with unnecesary use of 'Arrr!'.

New Orleans Saints - opponents get prayed at a lot. might work, depends on worldview. In general I'd say ... bet on the lions.
San Francisco 49ers - opponents get confronted by really old people? No idea ...
New England Patriots - opponents get national anthem sung at it. Until death.
Miami Dolphins - opponents get in the water and has a whale of a time with the swimmig mammals. Also, opponents will get amazing ability to understand dolphin language and will always know where Billy is in trouble this episode. Possible confusion with Lassie as a game strategy.
Green Bay Packers - opponents suitcases get packed ... really, really neat. This surprises and confuses opponents and they will lose subsequentely.
Pittsburgh Steelers - opponents get tour of foundry. Get to see where Pittsburgh make their balls. Afterwards they go home.
Houston Texans - opponents get confronted by idiots in large hats who voted for Bush a lot. Possibly scarier than the Lions.
Cleveland Browns - opponents get bored to death. And colour blind; 'It's not brown ... it's red!' will be the agonised wail across the field ...

Now ... wouldn't you like to see such games?